Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
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They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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