I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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