And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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