I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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