Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
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Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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