feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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