if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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