Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
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btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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