so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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