I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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