You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
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Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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