Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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