I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize