Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
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I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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