put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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