I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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