It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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