I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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