Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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