Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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