I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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