Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
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I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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