I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
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Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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