that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
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im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
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Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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