he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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