If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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