your parents love me but you hate me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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