My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
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I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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