My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
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Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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