i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
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you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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