Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
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So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
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Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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