Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
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No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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