Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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