The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
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Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
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All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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