btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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