omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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