Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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