Is it because I queefed?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize