Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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