Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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