omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize