she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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