I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize