I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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