I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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