i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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