I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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