Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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