He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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