I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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